What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 29.06.2025 01:29
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
I waited trembling.
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I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
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Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
I said to her
Write something which is just the opposite of you.
She found it foreign!.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
As i do to all so called friends.?
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We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
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Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
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He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
Put me off passion for life!!
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
Quia qui rem laborum itaque vel.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
But ive been too sick for many years..
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Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
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He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
She was in good health!
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
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His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
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She wouldn,t have been !
Im dying but, im not bitter.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
So, i spoilt her more .
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
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I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
I was 9 years of age.
One cannot live in the past .
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That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
So whats the point in blame.
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Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
She married twice! .
He resisted the act ,that day.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
I write beautiful poetry .
I never cut or harmed myself..
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
I couldn’t, believe it.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
I was scared of men, in general
I have no regrets .
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
And i lived it daily.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
He knew the spot.
I could never make a relationship work though!
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
We all went to grammer schools
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
We were not on the streets..
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
It was going to be , some day.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
Comes on , in middle age.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
I was very sick at this time too.
I was seconnd youngest,
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
Who then, do I blame.?
Ive learnt so much.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
(And it was in our own minds.)
All the time i was locked up.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
But it wasn’t much.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
When she asked me how she looked .
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
What did i know ?
Why did i forgive my father ?
They are buried together, in the same grave..
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
I will be 64.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
Was to survive, this bastard.
She loved him until the end.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
My life is so biszare .
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
My family never makes their pension either.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
Especially a lifetime of it.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
Im still living with it.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
My mum and dad in the seventies!
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
Would this be the day?
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
This is soul school!.
But, we were locked up after school.
I think the readers, may guess!
This is how, and why children get BPD.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
I know ,a lot about trauma.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
I don,t even have a pension.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!